I’ve learnt two very important things about myself lately. I have never really known my own truth and as a consequence have not been able to say a powerful ‘no’. There have been countless times where I would shrink into fitting into someone else’s world. Something I’m learning is that I have a right to reject or correct what doesn’t feel right. In other words, I can say a powerful ‘no’.
I’ve learnt that our worth doesn’t live in others, it lives in me, it lives in the ‘no’.
There’s a safety and security that’s created in a real guttural no. The times when I haven’t communicated the no, I’ve got annoyed, hurt and sometimes resentful because I haven’t felt honoured. However, I’ve actually just been annoyed at myself, because the people around me have reminded me that I haven’t prioritised myself, my needs and my feelings.
The people around me have gotten away with dancing over the lines I’ve drawn, because the lines were only suggestions.
There is, however, a caveat to having a powerful ‘no’. To really give a powerful no, you need to know what your truth is.
How do I create my own truth?
A sure way to start standing in your truth is to know your top values and stand by them. When someone says something and or does something that isn’t aligned with your values, you know it immediately. You recognise it and protect your truth.
My top values right now that I now stand by are honesty, clean communication, integrity, respect and kindness. For example, if someone now speaks to me disrespectfully, because respect is one of my values I find my voice and say, ‘when you speak to me in that way, that’s not ok. It doesn’t feel good for me. So what I need from you is to speak this way.’
I’m not always quick off the mark with this but its something I’m getting a bit better at daily.
Something that has become apparent is people respect when you stand in the truth of who you are. Because when you say ‘yes’ and you really mean ‘no’ people feel that and it feels inauthentic.
You have need a powerful no if..
• You sometimes (always) feel like people take advantage of you or manipulate your emotions in order to get you to do what they want/need
• You are afraid to hurt people if you say “no”
• You will do anything not to disappoint others
• You are the one in your friend group that gets called on to help out
• You give more than you get
• You fall in love quickly
• You spend a lot of time defending yourself for things you believe aren’t your fault
• You ask other people’s opinion before expressing your own
• You are afraid of conflict
• You can’t say “No” and mean it.
What Am I Going To Tolerate?
Bottom line is if you tolerate bad behaviour you’re going to feel off. You set the standard of what you want in your life and what you want from other people. If we set the standard and invite people to it we’re standing in our truth. If they don’t meet it, that’s on them. That’s their standard.
We have to stop shrinking to make people comfortable. We have to stop getting small. It’s about rising and growing and getting big and finding someone to meet you. We get what we tolerate – I love the truth that everything that is in our life is there because we said yes to it.. and we said a powerful ‘no’
